Requests
==
+ To pursue God, not career
+ Discernment in deciding what to do in these next two years with classes, work, and internship
+ Discipline to get all my work done.
Updates
==
I met with my adviser today to talk about what classes to take next semester. For the most part, he recommended everything that I was planning to take anyway. But as I looked over the requirements sheet, it dawned on me. I might not graduate on time.
The first two semesters, I took 13.5 credits each. This semester, I took 12 credits. In order to graduate, I need 93 credits over 6 semesters or about 15.5 credits a semester. If I continue at the current rate of 12 credits, then I'll have 1 semester worth of classes left over. If I pile it on, I'll only be behind by 1 class.
This semester has been particularly hard because in addition to class and homework, I'm also working at Metro. It's definitely been a strain adjusting, but I really enjoy it. It would be a shame if I stopped.
So, I have a few options.
1) Take the extra semester and graduate late
2) Try to load up classes this summer.
3) Load up next 3 semesters and stop working at Metro.
Another wrinkle in this puzzle is my plan for next summer. I had discovered 2100 Productions, a Christian production company run by InterVarsity. They have a summer internship program that I was thinking about applying for. Obviously, if I do option 2 above, it'll put a nix on those plans.
While I was sitting in class today, I decided that I was going to take the risk and apply for the internship. It would be a great place to learn from other people and get a feel for real world work. The whole point of internships. As much as I would like to stay at Metro and do video and all that stuff, I would be leading that innitiative. Which means the only learning I would get would be from my mistakes.
The problem with the 2100 Productions internship is that it's in Wisconsin. It's unpaid. And I would have to find my own room & board. Talk about needing faith. Even if I wanted to live out of my car, I would still need a place to shower. I've tried taking "showers" in sinks and it is quite the ordeal.
All this leads to the question, what do I plan to do when I graduate?
Although I feel like I'm a pretty good public speaker, I don't feel led in that direction. If anything, I feel like God's leading me to be a Creative Arts Pastor or something like that.
But my main goal is to do social justice documentaries for missions. The problem is making that sustainable. As I try to get my film career off the ground, which probably means a few more classes, I need to making money to pay back loans and help support M as she goes to school. And I'm still not quite sure what that will look like.
The one thing I do know, is that I need to trust God. That He will bring me to where He wants me to be.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
How to Love God
The greatest commandment is to love God and love others. But how do you do that? It's relativly easy to love others, I mean, they're right there. But how do you love God when He's intangible and far away?
Let's start by looking at how you love the people around you. This may be your spouse, your significant other, a really close family member, or that friend who's always been there for you.
These last few weeks, I've realized that I'm actually loving my girlfriend of 10 years more. Out of that love, I've started to be more affectionate towards her. There are moments where I just want to hug her and hold her close. Or times where I just want to kiss her. And times when I think about her and smile. All these actions and reactions come from the feeling deep down in my heart that screams, "I love you!"
Beyond affection, there's the things that you do for the people you love. You sit and listen to them when they've had a hard day. You have meals together and engage each other. You do stuff for them when it's inconvenient for you. You make sacrifices for them. All because you love them and you want what's best for them.
Sometimes you have to do things you don't like. Like confront them about a bad habit. Or not spoil your child because you want them to grow up valuing what they have.
So if that's how you love someone close to you, how do you love God? How about loving someone NOT close to you?
Jesus said, "'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.'" (Matthew 25:40, ESV)
Jesus also said, "'For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.'" (Matthew 25:35-36, ESV)
Now, wouldn't you do that for someone you loved? Feed them when they're hungry, give them water when they're thirsty, clothe them when they're cold or naked, visit them when their sick or in prison? Isn't that love too?
And since we can't do these things directly to God, because He's intangible, isn't it convenient that there are all these people in the world who can receive it in his stead? So, by loving others, we're loving God. Which makes sense, because that's part of the great commandment, to love God and love others. In other words, it's the same thing.
I know that I love God, but I don't love others nearly enough. I also know that I want to love God more, so I should love others more. And that love that we have for others isn't some obligation, but a reaction to that feeling that wells up inside of us. Since God's not tangible hear for us to direct those feelings towards, we direct it to the people around us. Specifically, the people who need it the most.
So, go out there and love God by loving the people around you. Especially the people that really need it.
Let's start by looking at how you love the people around you. This may be your spouse, your significant other, a really close family member, or that friend who's always been there for you.
These last few weeks, I've realized that I'm actually loving my girlfriend of 10 years more. Out of that love, I've started to be more affectionate towards her. There are moments where I just want to hug her and hold her close. Or times where I just want to kiss her. And times when I think about her and smile. All these actions and reactions come from the feeling deep down in my heart that screams, "I love you!"
Beyond affection, there's the things that you do for the people you love. You sit and listen to them when they've had a hard day. You have meals together and engage each other. You do stuff for them when it's inconvenient for you. You make sacrifices for them. All because you love them and you want what's best for them.
Sometimes you have to do things you don't like. Like confront them about a bad habit. Or not spoil your child because you want them to grow up valuing what they have.
So if that's how you love someone close to you, how do you love God? How about loving someone NOT close to you?
Jesus said, "'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.'" (Matthew 25:40, ESV)
Jesus also said, "'For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.'" (Matthew 25:35-36, ESV)
Now, wouldn't you do that for someone you loved? Feed them when they're hungry, give them water when they're thirsty, clothe them when they're cold or naked, visit them when their sick or in prison? Isn't that love too?
And since we can't do these things directly to God, because He's intangible, isn't it convenient that there are all these people in the world who can receive it in his stead? So, by loving others, we're loving God. Which makes sense, because that's part of the great commandment, to love God and love others. In other words, it's the same thing.
I know that I love God, but I don't love others nearly enough. I also know that I want to love God more, so I should love others more. And that love that we have for others isn't some obligation, but a reaction to that feeling that wells up inside of us. Since God's not tangible hear for us to direct those feelings towards, we direct it to the people around us. Specifically, the people who need it the most.
So, go out there and love God by loving the people around you. Especially the people that really need it.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Requests and Updates for 10/16/08
Requests
==
+ That I would rely on God, not myself, thus, not stressing myself out
+ Faith and trust that LA is the place for my future
+ I finish that paper
Updates
==
It's been a hard few weeks. Tons of work and stress. Even though I went on a brief vacation, I came back to a ton of stress.
LA was fantastic. You can see a few pics here: http://www.ninjavspenguin.com/blog/2008/10/11/la-day-1/
I can definitely see myself out there. And in many ways, I'm actually looking forward to moving out there. I don't know if it's just because I have some great friends in LA or that it's just different than the NYC metro area, but I'm okay with it.
I also have my first late assignment for school. I had a paper due on Tuesday and it's still in draft stages. It's only worth 10% of the grade, so I'm not terribly worried. But what I realized, was I was obsessing over getting it perfect or at least an A. It's been a long while since I've done anything like that. But as a result, I got really stressed out to the point of near panic and just froze. I had the time to do it, but I just kept distracting myself so I wouldn't have to think about it.
As I look forward to the future, there's still a lot of uncertainty. Even the 2011 plan M and I had is most likely out the window. I'm not really looking forward to a 2013 plan, so it may end up being a 2009 plan? I don't know, we haven't really talked about it yet.
I went to the first Metro small group on Wednesday and it was an interesting experience. I feel awkward in these groups sometimes because I don't want to take over. I also don't want to end up just teaching either. But it was only the first week, so we'll see where that takes me.
Work is time consuming. I'm responsible for uploading the weekly podcasts, responding to some communications cards, doing the presentation on Sundays, working on the new website, working on the branding, and sometimes breaking down the gear on Sundays after service. It's a lot to do amidst all the other school work.
Even though I've slipped a little bit, I know that God will help bring me back. And things will work out.
==
+ That I would rely on God, not myself, thus, not stressing myself out
+ Faith and trust that LA is the place for my future
+ I finish that paper
Updates
==
It's been a hard few weeks. Tons of work and stress. Even though I went on a brief vacation, I came back to a ton of stress.
LA was fantastic. You can see a few pics here: http://www.ninjavspenguin.com/blog/2008/10/11/la-day-1/
I can definitely see myself out there. And in many ways, I'm actually looking forward to moving out there. I don't know if it's just because I have some great friends in LA or that it's just different than the NYC metro area, but I'm okay with it.
I also have my first late assignment for school. I had a paper due on Tuesday and it's still in draft stages. It's only worth 10% of the grade, so I'm not terribly worried. But what I realized, was I was obsessing over getting it perfect or at least an A. It's been a long while since I've done anything like that. But as a result, I got really stressed out to the point of near panic and just froze. I had the time to do it, but I just kept distracting myself so I wouldn't have to think about it.
As I look forward to the future, there's still a lot of uncertainty. Even the 2011 plan M and I had is most likely out the window. I'm not really looking forward to a 2013 plan, so it may end up being a 2009 plan? I don't know, we haven't really talked about it yet.
I went to the first Metro small group on Wednesday and it was an interesting experience. I feel awkward in these groups sometimes because I don't want to take over. I also don't want to end up just teaching either. But it was only the first week, so we'll see where that takes me.
Work is time consuming. I'm responsible for uploading the weekly podcasts, responding to some communications cards, doing the presentation on Sundays, working on the new website, working on the branding, and sometimes breaking down the gear on Sundays after service. It's a lot to do amidst all the other school work.
Even though I've slipped a little bit, I know that God will help bring me back. And things will work out.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Requests and Updates for 9/26/08
Requests
==
+ Build good relationships at the new church
+ To take Metro and its community to where God wants it to be
+ Discipline to pray and read my Bible
Update
==
It's been a while since I updated, but that's because there were things still in development that I didn't want to jinx.
I've settled on a new church, Metro Community Church in Englewood and I've been going there for the last 4 weeks. It's great little church, very warm and inviting. It is a bit far, but 30 min commute isn't terrible.
Everything kind of fell into place really fast. After I visisted the first time, I filled out their connection card. On Monday, Pastor Stephen emailed me welcoming me to the church. I shot back an email real quick inquiring about internship possibilities. I got an email back from Pastor Peter, we set up a lunch for that Friday, and got the offer.
It was amazingly smooth and fast. Metro had been looking for someone to do web and video stuff. I've been looking for a new church and an internship. So we were an answer to each other's prayers. Amazing how God works like that.
Even though things were pretty much good, the decision had to be approved by the elders. So I didn't want to say anything until everything was finalized. Things are good and I've already started.
My first big project is redesigning the website. The current site, emetro.org, is all static. I'm going to help them move to a CMS like Drupal or Joomla. Since we would have to redo the design, I figured this was a good chance to rebrand Metro.
The rebrand is going to be much harder but M is on board and the leadership seems to be keen on it too. It's a matter of coming up with a concept and design that the senior staff are happy with. They've had a few logos come by their desks, none of which really wowed them.
School wise, I'm mad busy. I started learning Hebrew. So now I can read and write it. My vocab is only about 30 words, which I need to memorize, but it's pretty neat. Most of my work is just reading and writing response papers. I have a few papers here and there. But one large research paper due end of semester.
Personally, I've just been keeping busy. Between school and internship, I've found it's hard to fit anything else in. I've fallen way behind on all of my blogs. The only ones I keep up with are the news ones. So, needless to say, I haven't had much time to pray or read my Bible.
For the most part, I haven't felt the need to pray. I want to, but everything's been going good. Now that I've said that, I'm sure God's gunna throw something my way.
The road ahead is still filled with uncertainty, but I have no fear because I know the Lord my God will not lead me wrong.
==
+ Build good relationships at the new church
+ To take Metro and its community to where God wants it to be
+ Discipline to pray and read my Bible
Update
==
It's been a while since I updated, but that's because there were things still in development that I didn't want to jinx.
I've settled on a new church, Metro Community Church in Englewood and I've been going there for the last 4 weeks. It's great little church, very warm and inviting. It is a bit far, but 30 min commute isn't terrible.
Everything kind of fell into place really fast. After I visisted the first time, I filled out their connection card. On Monday, Pastor Stephen emailed me welcoming me to the church. I shot back an email real quick inquiring about internship possibilities. I got an email back from Pastor Peter, we set up a lunch for that Friday, and got the offer.
It was amazingly smooth and fast. Metro had been looking for someone to do web and video stuff. I've been looking for a new church and an internship. So we were an answer to each other's prayers. Amazing how God works like that.
Even though things were pretty much good, the decision had to be approved by the elders. So I didn't want to say anything until everything was finalized. Things are good and I've already started.
My first big project is redesigning the website. The current site, emetro.org, is all static. I'm going to help them move to a CMS like Drupal or Joomla. Since we would have to redo the design, I figured this was a good chance to rebrand Metro.
The rebrand is going to be much harder but M is on board and the leadership seems to be keen on it too. It's a matter of coming up with a concept and design that the senior staff are happy with. They've had a few logos come by their desks, none of which really wowed them.
School wise, I'm mad busy. I started learning Hebrew. So now I can read and write it. My vocab is only about 30 words, which I need to memorize, but it's pretty neat. Most of my work is just reading and writing response papers. I have a few papers here and there. But one large research paper due end of semester.
Personally, I've just been keeping busy. Between school and internship, I've found it's hard to fit anything else in. I've fallen way behind on all of my blogs. The only ones I keep up with are the news ones. So, needless to say, I haven't had much time to pray or read my Bible.
For the most part, I haven't felt the need to pray. I want to, but everything's been going good. Now that I've said that, I'm sure God's gunna throw something my way.
The road ahead is still filled with uncertainty, but I have no fear because I know the Lord my God will not lead me wrong.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Requests and Updates for 9/2/08
Requests
==
+ I would focus on pursuing God through my studies
+ He would grant me power, wisdom, and opportunity as I disciple people
+ Trust that He will provide all that I need
Updates
==
I've officially started church dating. I call it that, because being with a church is like being in a relationship. I'm looking for one where we can really grow together and challenge each other.
2 weeks ago, I went to Liquid. I've been there before, so I kind of knew what to expect.
This past Sunday, I went to Metro and I really liked it. There's a lot of signs telling me this is where I should go.
1) Pastor Peter, the head pastor, used to be in broadcasting. He was a producer for NBC before going into ministry.
2) They have a video ministry and they're interested in moving towards short film (aka, drama).
3) They don't have a youth ministry yet, but have a core of devoted high schoolers who go without their parents.
4) An intern, who just left, also went to ATS.
Not that anything is official yet, but just looking at the future, it's full of hope and possibility. This is the happiest I've been in 2 months.
Classes start today and I'm really looking forward to a new year. I've been doing well so far. I don't want to say it's easy, because it's a lot of work, but I feel like I'm in that second year groove. Where you're kind of familiar with the way things work and how to do assignments.
I don't want to be comfortable. I want to push myself to be the best student I can be. At the same time, I don't want to be overly focused on the academics. I want to learn so I know God better. I want to live out my faith more and apply the things that I learn.
I started meeting with one of the kids and my heart breaks for her. I want to help, I want to care, but I don't know how to break through the walls. Her schedule also makes it really hard to be consistent. But when I look into her face, I see so much sadness and hurt. She's resigned to accept it, but I know that Jesus can heal her.
I know when meeting with a girl, I need to be extra cautious. But I also need to trust God that he's using me and all her friends to reach out to her.
Sorry I'm being so cryptic, but need to protect her identity. Pray for her, she needs Jesus.
==
+ I would focus on pursuing God through my studies
+ He would grant me power, wisdom, and opportunity as I disciple people
+ Trust that He will provide all that I need
Updates
==
I've officially started church dating. I call it that, because being with a church is like being in a relationship. I'm looking for one where we can really grow together and challenge each other.
2 weeks ago, I went to Liquid. I've been there before, so I kind of knew what to expect.
This past Sunday, I went to Metro and I really liked it. There's a lot of signs telling me this is where I should go.
1) Pastor Peter, the head pastor, used to be in broadcasting. He was a producer for NBC before going into ministry.
2) They have a video ministry and they're interested in moving towards short film (aka, drama).
3) They don't have a youth ministry yet, but have a core of devoted high schoolers who go without their parents.
4) An intern, who just left, also went to ATS.
Not that anything is official yet, but just looking at the future, it's full of hope and possibility. This is the happiest I've been in 2 months.
Classes start today and I'm really looking forward to a new year. I've been doing well so far. I don't want to say it's easy, because it's a lot of work, but I feel like I'm in that second year groove. Where you're kind of familiar with the way things work and how to do assignments.
I don't want to be comfortable. I want to push myself to be the best student I can be. At the same time, I don't want to be overly focused on the academics. I want to learn so I know God better. I want to live out my faith more and apply the things that I learn.
I started meeting with one of the kids and my heart breaks for her. I want to help, I want to care, but I don't know how to break through the walls. Her schedule also makes it really hard to be consistent. But when I look into her face, I see so much sadness and hurt. She's resigned to accept it, but I know that Jesus can heal her.
I know when meeting with a girl, I need to be extra cautious. But I also need to trust God that he's using me and all her friends to reach out to her.
Sorry I'm being so cryptic, but need to protect her identity. Pray for her, she needs Jesus.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Requests and Updates for 8/22/08
Requests
==
+ I find a new home for my ministries
+ I am following God, not my own desires
+ I find a new family that cares about me
Updates
==
Surprisingly, the decision wasn't that difficult. I guess because emotionally, I had already moved on. I'm not angry, just heart broken that it came to this. Goodbye CCCNJ.
Drama is the one thing that's been consistent in the last 6 years. No matter what happens, no matter how bad or difficult it gets, I push on. I love this ministry. I love the family and community it fosters. I love the creative freedom it gives to people. I love how we honor God by using our gifts and talents.
I talked about taking Drama independent. Well, as a result, I'm not allowed to hold my meetings at church. Since 90% of my team can't drive, it effectively kills the ministry. So that's it, I begin my search for a new home.
I feel bad for SG10, my small group. They're caught in the middle of this ugly divorce and they deserve so much better. I trust that God will carry them and will provide them with another leader.
I hope you guys stick around and keep me in your prayers.
==
+ I find a new home for my ministries
+ I am following God, not my own desires
+ I find a new family that cares about me
Updates
==
Surprisingly, the decision wasn't that difficult. I guess because emotionally, I had already moved on. I'm not angry, just heart broken that it came to this. Goodbye CCCNJ.
Drama is the one thing that's been consistent in the last 6 years. No matter what happens, no matter how bad or difficult it gets, I push on. I love this ministry. I love the family and community it fosters. I love the creative freedom it gives to people. I love how we honor God by using our gifts and talents.
I talked about taking Drama independent. Well, as a result, I'm not allowed to hold my meetings at church. Since 90% of my team can't drive, it effectively kills the ministry. So that's it, I begin my search for a new home.
I feel bad for SG10, my small group. They're caught in the middle of this ugly divorce and they deserve so much better. I trust that God will carry them and will provide them with another leader.
I hope you guys stick around and keep me in your prayers.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Requests and Updates for 8/7/08
Requests
==
+ I honor God in all that I do
+ I don't rebel for the sake of rebelling
+ That God would mold me into the man He wants me to be for the service He has in store for me
Updates
==
It's been a few weeks since I got back from Kyrgyzstan. A bunch of people have been asking me how the trip was. For the most part, I've been responding with, "We'll see," because there were a lot of unresolved issues right before returning. Today, I can give you an answer to that question. It was a waste of time and money.
For the last 6 years, I've been doing drama. I've been writing and training my team to perform sketches. And more recently, we've been doing short films. Not Oscar caliber material, but I'm happy with our results based on our budget and skill level. We've been operating independently until a few months ago when the church wanted to have the right or power to approve everything that we produce. I got pissed.
Why? Because I'm a volunteer. I put my sweat, money, love, time, and energy into this ministry. The only reward I get is the knowledge and comfort that I had complete creative control. It's putting out a product that I know I've done my best on not only to entertain but to honor God.
Why is final cut so important? Because the edit is the final leg of the story. It's like getting fiber optics to the curb, but the last 10 feet are copper, what's the point? Or a mechanic who finishes 90% of the work on your car and then hands the last bit to a toddler.
If it were really about the art, then they would want to be involved from the very beginning of the process, but they can't be bothered. No. This is about control and ultimately about free speech. It's about what I can and can't say. It's about what I can and can't put online.
Why is free speech so important? Because it allows us to express ourselves. It allows us to communicate. Without free speech, we wouldn't be able to tell people about Jesus and what He did for us. Granted, that's an extreme example, but if you look around the world, there are plenty of places where it's not only illegal, it's punishable by death. But the flip side is that people can say nasty things about you and your religion. And that's the sacrifice that needs to be made if we want something good.
Obviously, there are certain restrictions that we have to take into consideration with free speech, such as endangering others. For example, it's illegal to yell, "fire" in a crowded theatre because it'll incite a riot.
But some organizations are so afraid of free speech, that they're unwilling to come to any compromise. If that's the case, I refuse to work with those people, paid or unpaid.
Because of my position and my conviction, many of my ministries are in danger. I've decided to take CG.Drama independent of the church because the approval process would be crippling. Not that changes much, because I've been working without the church's support for the last 6 years. But it will make things difficult because I will have limited access to rooms to practice.
If I ever can't do drama in a church, I walk. It's that simple. Regardless of whatever other ministries I'm involved with, that's the deal breaker.
I think about the things that I gave up to pursue ministry. A well paying job which I had just received a raise, an easy commute, a life of relative comfort and simplicity. In exchange for a life of low pay, long hours, heartache, and frustration. And I haven't even left the country yet. When that happens, I face the threat of disease, political and religious factions that want my blood because of what I believe, uncertainty, and loneliness.
Why would I do that? Because I have a God who did all that for me and people need to know that.
I know my reward is not on this earth. And no matter how much I try to do the right thing, things may not always turn out well. But that's okay because I know that God will vindicate me in the end.
I've already given up everything once. Doing it again a second time will be that much easier. And eventually, I'll have nothing that they can take away because the love of God is in my heart.
I've struggled a lot with identity. Who am I? Am I defined by my religion? My job? My interests? And tonight, I realized who I am. I'm a sinner in need of God's grace. No matter what else changes, until the day I die, that one fact will still remain.
I know I'm imperfect. I curse when I'm angry. I drink. I'm stubborn when I think I'm right. And that's just counting what I do right now. But I'm so grateful to know that Jesus loves me and accepts me just the way I am. He loved me before when I would curse Him and laugh at those who believed in Him. And He'll continue to love me no matter what I do. In my success and in my failure. Especially in my failure.
Do I want to change? Yes. But I'm less concerned about looking good than being good. I want to stand up for what I believe is right. I want to stand up for those who are being oppressed. So when the day comes and someone points a gun to my head and asks me if I'll deny Jesus, I'll be able to say, "No."
I've been asked what I'll do when I finish school and I never know how to answer them. I don't even know what I'm going to do next month, let alone know 2 years from now. All I want to do is do what Jesus tells me. Nothing more and nothing less. He's told me to love him and love others. And I'll do my best to do that.
Now, I'm at a crossroads. I don't know what will become of my ministry here at church. I don't even know if I'll continue to be in this church.
I'm thankful for my mom and M who support me and understand my struggles and will tell me when I'm being a whiny bitch. I'm thankful for all of you who pray for me. Even if you don't, but read these messages, thanks for listening.
==
+ I honor God in all that I do
+ I don't rebel for the sake of rebelling
+ That God would mold me into the man He wants me to be for the service He has in store for me
Updates
==
It's been a few weeks since I got back from Kyrgyzstan. A bunch of people have been asking me how the trip was. For the most part, I've been responding with, "We'll see," because there were a lot of unresolved issues right before returning. Today, I can give you an answer to that question. It was a waste of time and money.
For the last 6 years, I've been doing drama. I've been writing and training my team to perform sketches. And more recently, we've been doing short films. Not Oscar caliber material, but I'm happy with our results based on our budget and skill level. We've been operating independently until a few months ago when the church wanted to have the right or power to approve everything that we produce. I got pissed.
Why? Because I'm a volunteer. I put my sweat, money, love, time, and energy into this ministry. The only reward I get is the knowledge and comfort that I had complete creative control. It's putting out a product that I know I've done my best on not only to entertain but to honor God.
Why is final cut so important? Because the edit is the final leg of the story. It's like getting fiber optics to the curb, but the last 10 feet are copper, what's the point? Or a mechanic who finishes 90% of the work on your car and then hands the last bit to a toddler.
If it were really about the art, then they would want to be involved from the very beginning of the process, but they can't be bothered. No. This is about control and ultimately about free speech. It's about what I can and can't say. It's about what I can and can't put online.
Why is free speech so important? Because it allows us to express ourselves. It allows us to communicate. Without free speech, we wouldn't be able to tell people about Jesus and what He did for us. Granted, that's an extreme example, but if you look around the world, there are plenty of places where it's not only illegal, it's punishable by death. But the flip side is that people can say nasty things about you and your religion. And that's the sacrifice that needs to be made if we want something good.
Obviously, there are certain restrictions that we have to take into consideration with free speech, such as endangering others. For example, it's illegal to yell, "fire" in a crowded theatre because it'll incite a riot.
But some organizations are so afraid of free speech, that they're unwilling to come to any compromise. If that's the case, I refuse to work with those people, paid or unpaid.
Because of my position and my conviction, many of my ministries are in danger. I've decided to take CG.Drama independent of the church because the approval process would be crippling. Not that changes much, because I've been working without the church's support for the last 6 years. But it will make things difficult because I will have limited access to rooms to practice.
If I ever can't do drama in a church, I walk. It's that simple. Regardless of whatever other ministries I'm involved with, that's the deal breaker.
I think about the things that I gave up to pursue ministry. A well paying job which I had just received a raise, an easy commute, a life of relative comfort and simplicity. In exchange for a life of low pay, long hours, heartache, and frustration. And I haven't even left the country yet. When that happens, I face the threat of disease, political and religious factions that want my blood because of what I believe, uncertainty, and loneliness.
Why would I do that? Because I have a God who did all that for me and people need to know that.
I know my reward is not on this earth. And no matter how much I try to do the right thing, things may not always turn out well. But that's okay because I know that God will vindicate me in the end.
I've already given up everything once. Doing it again a second time will be that much easier. And eventually, I'll have nothing that they can take away because the love of God is in my heart.
I've struggled a lot with identity. Who am I? Am I defined by my religion? My job? My interests? And tonight, I realized who I am. I'm a sinner in need of God's grace. No matter what else changes, until the day I die, that one fact will still remain.
I know I'm imperfect. I curse when I'm angry. I drink. I'm stubborn when I think I'm right. And that's just counting what I do right now. But I'm so grateful to know that Jesus loves me and accepts me just the way I am. He loved me before when I would curse Him and laugh at those who believed in Him. And He'll continue to love me no matter what I do. In my success and in my failure. Especially in my failure.
Do I want to change? Yes. But I'm less concerned about looking good than being good. I want to stand up for what I believe is right. I want to stand up for those who are being oppressed. So when the day comes and someone points a gun to my head and asks me if I'll deny Jesus, I'll be able to say, "No."
I've been asked what I'll do when I finish school and I never know how to answer them. I don't even know what I'm going to do next month, let alone know 2 years from now. All I want to do is do what Jesus tells me. Nothing more and nothing less. He's told me to love him and love others. And I'll do my best to do that.
Now, I'm at a crossroads. I don't know what will become of my ministry here at church. I don't even know if I'll continue to be in this church.
I'm thankful for my mom and M who support me and understand my struggles and will tell me when I'm being a whiny bitch. I'm thankful for all of you who pray for me. Even if you don't, but read these messages, thanks for listening.
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