Requests and Updates for 8/7/08

Requests
==
+ I honor God in all that I do
+ I don't rebel for the sake of rebelling
+ That God would mold me into the man He wants me to be for the service He has in store for me

Updates
==
It's been a few weeks since I got back from Kyrgyzstan. A bunch of people have been asking me how the trip was. For the most part, I've been responding with, "We'll see," because there were a lot of unresolved issues right before returning. Today, I can give you an answer to that question. It was a waste of time and money.

For the last 6 years, I've been doing drama. I've been writing and training my team to perform sketches. And more recently, we've been doing short films. Not Oscar caliber material, but I'm happy with our results based on our budget and skill level. We've been operating independently until a few months ago when the church wanted to have the right or power to approve everything that we produce. I got pissed.

Why? Because I'm a volunteer. I put my sweat, money, love, time, and energy into this ministry. The only reward I get is the knowledge and comfort that I had complete creative control. It's putting out a product that I know I've done my best on not only to entertain but to honor God.

Why is final cut so important? Because the edit is the final leg of the story. It's like getting fiber optics to the curb, but the last 10 feet are copper, what's the point? Or a mechanic who finishes 90% of the work on your car and then hands the last bit to a toddler.

If it were really about the art, then they would want to be involved from the very beginning of the process, but they can't be bothered. No. This is about control and ultimately about free speech. It's about what I can and can't say. It's about what I can and can't put online.

Why is free speech so important? Because it allows us to express ourselves. It allows us to communicate. Without free speech, we wouldn't be able to tell people about Jesus and what He did for us. Granted, that's an extreme example, but if you look around the world, there are plenty of places where it's not only illegal, it's punishable by death. But the flip side is that people can say nasty things about you and your religion. And that's the sacrifice that needs to be made if we want something good.

Obviously, there are certain restrictions that we have to take into consideration with free speech, such as endangering others. For example, it's illegal to yell, "fire" in a crowded theatre because it'll incite a riot.

But some organizations are so afraid of free speech, that they're unwilling to come to any compromise. If that's the case, I refuse to work with those people, paid or unpaid.

Because of my position and my conviction, many of my ministries are in danger. I've decided to take CG.Drama independent of the church because the approval process would be crippling. Not that changes much, because I've been working without the church's support for the last 6 years. But it will make things difficult because I will have limited access to rooms to practice.

If I ever can't do drama in a church, I walk. It's that simple. Regardless of whatever other ministries I'm involved with, that's the deal breaker.

I think about the things that I gave up to pursue ministry. A well paying job which I had just received a raise, an easy commute, a life of relative comfort and simplicity. In exchange for a life of low pay, long hours, heartache, and frustration. And I haven't even left the country yet. When that happens, I face the threat of disease, political and religious factions that want my blood because of what I believe, uncertainty, and loneliness.

Why would I do that? Because I have a God who did all that for me and people need to know that.

I know my reward is not on this earth. And no matter how much I try to do the right thing, things may not always turn out well. But that's okay because I know that God will vindicate me in the end.

I've already given up everything once. Doing it again a second time will be that much easier. And eventually, I'll have nothing that they can take away because the love of God is in my heart.

I've struggled a lot with identity. Who am I? Am I defined by my religion? My job? My interests? And tonight, I realized who I am. I'm a sinner in need of God's grace. No matter what else changes, until the day I die, that one fact will still remain.

I know I'm imperfect. I curse when I'm angry. I drink. I'm stubborn when I think I'm right. And that's just counting what I do right now. But I'm so grateful to know that Jesus loves me and accepts me just the way I am. He loved me before when I would curse Him and laugh at those who believed in Him. And He'll continue to love me no matter what I do. In my success and in my failure. Especially in my failure.

Do I want to change? Yes. But I'm less concerned about looking good than being good. I want to stand up for what I believe is right. I want to stand up for those who are being oppressed. So when the day comes and someone points a gun to my head and asks me if I'll deny Jesus, I'll be able to say, "No."

I've been asked what I'll do when I finish school and I never know how to answer them. I don't even know what I'm going to do next month, let alone know 2 years from now. All I want to do is do what Jesus tells me. Nothing more and nothing less. He's told me to love him and love others. And I'll do my best to do that.

Now, I'm at a crossroads. I don't know what will become of my ministry here at church. I don't even know if I'll continue to be in this church.

I'm thankful for my mom and M who support me and understand my struggles and will tell me when I'm being a whiny bitch. I'm thankful for all of you who pray for me. Even if you don't, but read these messages, thanks for listening.