Requests and Updates for 2/14/09

Requests
==
+ That I would see people the way Jesus sees people
+ That I would be shaped into whatever God wants me to be
+ That the above 2 don't hurt too much

Updates
==
These last few weeks have been kind of weird for me. I picked up a nasty flu while I was in Taiwan which kept me in bed for a solid 6 days. When I got back, I picked up Bronchitis. Soon after, it was back to school.

Between school and work, I've found very little time for myself or anyone else. Actually, since starting school, I've found very little time for others in general.

I was sitting in class this past Saturday and we were studying the parable of the talents. The discussion turned to the afterlife and what we'd give an accounting for. I thought back on the last 6 or so years and realized that I hadn't really done much for God. Funny, since I had just squeezed out some videos in 2 days with an essay looming the following Monday.

I look back and I see some great work that God has done through me. Drama, Youth Group, and other stuff. But I couldn't help that but feel that it wasn't enough. Not so much I wanted to earn more grace or love or mercy, but to really invest what God had given me for His Kingdom.

So far, I've enjoyed being at Metro. The staff is really chill and we have some great laughs. I understand as an intern, I gotta do crap work. It comes with the territory. No complaints there. But I realized that the projects that I was working on, weren't stretching me in the ways I wanted to be stretched.

I have a lot of functional skills. The Church, as a whole, has been lagging behind the rest of the world by a good 5 years. So it's easy to fall into that gap to fill it for the good of the Kingdom. Which results in a lot of technology, web, design, video, etc. These things are all good and God wants to use them for His glory. And even though there's still a lot I can still learn in these areas, they're just not good for me right now.

If I want to be the most effective for God and His Kingdom, I need to be stretched in other areas. I just wasn't sure how or where.

I came back to that old question: What is God's vision for my life?

I thought I had it all together: Creative Arts Pastor. But was this the "safe", "default" path? Was my God too small? I seriously thought about it and wondered if I could go bigger. Because I can step up to a small vision, but a big vision forces me to rely on God because I can't do it on my own.

Maybe this whole vision thing stems from my lack of identity. I thought I had that figured out too: I'm a sinner. But as I lay in my quarantine in Taiwan, the whole concept of identity began to gel. Being a sinner is only one aspect and one component of who I am. There are all these other facets, but what makes me me?

Identity is the intersection of form and function. What identifies something from everything else are its distinguishing characteristics. Some of these will be functional, others will be aesthetic (the form). So what were my distinguishing characteristics? Are they purely functional? In what capacity?

Example: The thing you sit on is called a chair. It can have 2 or more legs, a back is optional, and it can be of varying heights. If your chair has 4 legs, lacks a back, it's called a foot stool. If your chair has 4 legs, lacks a back, and the top surface is wide, it's called a table. When does the table stop being a table and becomes a chair? The moment you sit on it? Does it retain its identity as a chair? So what are the distinguishing characteristics of a chair?

Yesterday, I came to realize one of those characteristics. I'm abnormal. I'm an outlier. I'm a freak. I'm strange. Whatever you want to call it, I don't fit the normative patterns of the rest of society.

Part of it might be because I've been in school and forgot how to integrate myself with the rest of society. But I think that's a lousy excuse.

Because I don't fit normative patterns, I find that I have to work to engage with other people. I smile, be cordial, and I try to take an interest in them. And for the most part, it works out. So on a superficial level, things are okay. It's tiring and I have to make an effort, but it works.

The real problem comes when people try to connect further. My discriminating taste and incredibly high standards make it so most things are just average. I try to save my superlatives for things that deserve it. But in doing so, it becomes difficult to agree with others on their likes and dislikes.

Apparently, people find their identity in things they like. Not liking what they like implies that you don't like them and this hurts them on a personal and emotional level. Granted, I have my own identity issues that I need to contend with, but I know that regardless of the things that I like, produce, or own, I am not those things.

I've been told on several occasions, that what people like about me is my honesty and truth telling. They find it refreshing in a sea of sugar coated conversations.

If honesty and truth telling are my strengths, they also become my weakness. So where does that leave me?

1) Pretend to like everything. Then I come off as fake and inauthentic.

2) Disengage from the conversation. Then I become antisocial, unapproachable, and people don't get the opportunity to learn who I am.

3) Dodge the opinions and only engage where our likes intersect. Opportunities of true engagement would be rare as I like very few things.

4) Preface all my opinions with a disclaimer: "Can I share my opinion with you?" Awkward and clumsy during conversation.

5) Other.

Alas, unless I discover number 5, I'll have to try 4 and see where it gets me.

My scariest thought is, am I willing to fundamentally change who I am so that I can be more effective for God and His Kingdom?

Yes.

Because I've died to my old self and are now a new creation.

Or maybe no, because of this flesh, I do the things I don't want to do, even though I know what I ought to do.

In the mean time, do I fake it until I make it? At what point do I go from being inauthentic to authentic? And what does that tell us about identity?