Requests and Updates for 5/27/08

Requests
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+ I would place God first in all things and see how my actions would honor him or be good for his people
+ My heart as it's broken for the church
+ My loneliness as I feel like a prisoner in the church
+ That I would do what's right and good, not what looks right or looks good

Updates
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Retreat was long, but I learned a lot about interviewing and shooting documentaries. There's so much more that I need to learn, practice and prepare and it's making Kyrgyzstan seem harder and harder.

I've been working on a long term project about my church. So Whenever I get opportunities to get some b-roll or document some stuff, I try to take it. During one of the first worship sessions at the retreat, Shirley came up to me while I was shooting some b-roll of the worship team. I wasn't going to be more than 5 minutes, but she was furious.

She didn't want me filming ANY of the worship times. Part of me understands the motivation. She doesn't want me to be a distraction to the people who are worshiping, which is fine. But there's better ways of telling me than to yell at me. But whatever, it's a minor thing, so I let it pass. It's not worth fighting over. It also wasn't the right time or place to fight because I knew that if I did, I knew it would end up ruining my weekend.

On Sunday night, I was asked to shoot video of "Family Night", where different teams prepared songs and skits for the church's entertainment. Everything was fine and good until I got back on Monday. I receive a message from P.Chu on Facebook that Chuck, Shirley's husband, had told him to ask me to not post the footage online.

I was pissed.

What are we, in grade school? She can't politely ask me directly that she has to have her husband have P.Chu ask me? But that's not the main reason that I was upset.

This morning, Facebook was already covered in pictures and videos from the retreat. Why am I censored? Why are walls built around me? Why am I singled out? And it wasn't even, "Please let us see it first" it was straight up censorship. But the issue goes beyond just censorship, it taps into the nerve of this video ministry.

When I proposed this to the leadership, I understood that I would have to shoot crap that I wasn't interested in. Like the Family Night. I didn't want to shoot the Chinese adults, but I did it anyway. Because in order for me to have the sex, I have to do the money too. I'm fine with that.

What's the point of shooting video if no one's going to see it? What's the point in capturing these performances if they're just going to sit on my hard drive?

Had I known that I wouldn't be able to post it online, I wouldn't have wasted my time or my own money buying tape and batteries or asking a friend to run to B&H after work to buy extra batteries. Or ran back and forth on that stage for like 2 hours.

The kids were really excited about what they had prepared. They were really excited that I was going to film it. And putting it online so that they could enjoy it, so that their friends could enjoy it, would be really edifying.

I have a few options: 1) Post it anyway as a big "Fuck You", 2) Back down, yet again, 3) Be sneaky and have someone else post it, 4) Fight and most likely lose, 5) give up completely and try building this ministry elsewhere.

Analysis of options
1) The worst option because it's the option that I REALLY want to do. My gut wants to do it so bad, but I know it's the wrong decision.

2) I'm tired of backing down. This isn't the first time this issue has come up, but I hate being France. I hate surrendering before a shot is even fired. It makes me feel like a pussy. There's submitting to authority and there's being a pussy.

3) This could work. But will most likely end up being like #1.

4) This is a potential beachhead for other issues. If I fight and lose, then it saves a lot of time in the future because then I can just do #5. If I fight and win, it doesn't mean the war is over and may lead to more fights later on.

5) Kind of like #2 but has the most potential. But going somewhere else doesn't mean that these fights won't be there either. It would mean a lot of work building the ministry again, losing about 7 years worth of work.

Sigh.